Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
