my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You left your phone here
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