I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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