Can i not drive my cunt home
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
