i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
