i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
