When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
my poor anus
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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