Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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