her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
