life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
