the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
