you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
