I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
