Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
