i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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