I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
