I didn't shave. On purpose
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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