I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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