can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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