Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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