I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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