I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
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