My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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