the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
