They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
