Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
