Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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