I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
