Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
