i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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