this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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