haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
