Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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