im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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