I wish I only lived at night.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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