The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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