it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just sent this text using only my big toe
worst night to have a conscience
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
