I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
