i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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