the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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