he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
