Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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