I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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