i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he was CRYING into my vagina
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
