Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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