I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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