I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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