Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
