I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
