my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
you made out with another girl for some wings
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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